Saviour Speaks...!!!: Mein Erstes Gelegenheit

Saviour Speaks...!!!: Mein Erstes Gelegenheit: "Grüße an alle, Sometimes in life, you find an opportunity to make a difference in something you care about, and it feels like, even thou..."

Loafing & Lazing..!!!

In the last two or three odd months when I sat at home dwindling my thumbs after coming to this city, I’ve become quite familiar with the fag out. I started with liking it in the first few days because it gave me time to just be, then slowly disliking it (because of the boredom that crept in), then outright resenting it (because it drained me of all the energy and motivation I thought I had had to create things), then opposing it and then slowly, ever so slowly accepting it and finally just surrendering to it.

This cycle took me almost two months to pass and by the time March rolled in, I was ready to do nothing. I mean literally nothing in life. All the lofty ideas and thoughts I had just a few months back, of making a difference by joining a nonprofit, of becoming an entrepreneur, of freelancing full time, just vanished into thin air. However much I tried to force myself to think, to think back to those highly motivated times, I end up with fooling around. I just didn’t have the enthusiasm anymore….for anything. One could call it depression but I beg to differ. I am not capable of being depressed. I was not unhappy at all the last two months. Quite the opposite. I was in this sublime state of existence that is neither sadness nor joy. I let each day pass and did all the things routine life demanded of me. I ignored the Life. I ignored the phone when friends and family rang at times. I sat staring into nothing for minutes together and sometimes hours. I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to craft, I didn’t want to read. I ignored it all. I just ceased to care.

Then I got into thinking.

Just because I went into non-existence in the constant chatter that is this universe, it doesn’t mean life won’t go on, right? I mean other than the few mails, tweets, and messages here and there, people went on with their lives and so did I. Least importance be to the brand of me that I had built up. Let it crumble. I don’t have an ego to care.

And I wondered. Why all the busyness then? Why all the pretext of a purpose then? Is purpose all that important as I used to think? Why the stress, why the hurry, why the rush, and why the timetable? Why oh why the to-do lists? If you drop them all one day, perhaps the effect will haunt you for a week but post that? The universe is going to realign and put something else, somebody else in your place to continue the game. So why play the game?

Why can’t I just let the empty space consume me?

For the sake of the lofty thoughts, dreams, and wishes I had once cultivated, maybe I will be born again. But this lifetime? No, this is just for being me. No self-expectation, no goals, no wanting to go places. And the best thing of all? I didn’t feel bad at all thinking all this. When I examined my armor, there was not a single dent or scratch that is my self-esteem. I was as confident as ever. As confident as ever of being me. I didn’t need to be ‘some one’ to feel good about myself.

On an aside, for each of us who are doing something – whether you are employed with a great company, whether you are working for something or somebody’s welfare, or whether you are just proud being self-employed to satisfy whatever motivates you – take that role away for a minute. Take away the title, take away the role, take away that identity. Meet a stranger in your head and see how you will introduce yourself. Remember you are no more that employee, employer or do-gooder. You are…..just you with no prefix or suffix or taglines. Describe then what you do to that stranger. See how you feel.

Now coming back where we left off before the aside…

I’m not saying I became enlightened. I am saying I decided that enlightenment is not as great as I thought it to be. And I realized the one thing, the one single reason that I think I am here in this life. It is to discover myself. It is to be in this empty space, devoid of definitions and still being happy enough not to affect other’s happiness around you. It is being in a state of nothingness yet carrying on as usual as if there’s nothing going on inside you (which is true!) so that the others around you are free to slip in and out of their own boredom without having to worry about you.

Perhaps I sound confused. Perhaps I am self-contradicting. Perhaps it’s all a temporary phase of madness (considering that I got back to that ‘busy life’ that gives you the purpose of catching a cab every morning lest you miss it and all the troubles that follows assails you).

Whatever.

ConfuseD :-/

The one word to describe me right now is “RUN OUT”. This is insane. I feel dead tired. And I can’t feel anything. I feel numb. If I did try to feel, I think I will drop dead. And as delicious as that sounds, everything is boring.


I just don't know what to do with myself, coz all i get to hear from door to door is "NO". This probably has become a habit now. I simply don't understand what's wrong with me. They ask me to wait for a month, n all I answer them is that "...i am running out of time..". When I came into this city, all I had with me was my confidence, now three months later, even confidence has vanished and all that I have with me is "HOPE". I have never felt so low on confidence and week.

I have completely lost my story, n all that I am afraid of is of  becoming "HISTORY". Looking Back, what I only regret is this thing, so called "OVERCONFIDENCE". I was always afraid of facing this world, from the point of what I am. Everybody in my world thinks that I am "HAPPY-GO-LUCKY" kind of a person. now I am afraid to be happy, coz every time I try to be happy, something bad always happen.  I am emotionally devastated now. What’s tough now is that, I can’t even complain about it. See, the rebel in me, doesn't like anything. What is more provocative is the  fact  this life, has supposedly thrived at a mere whim.


Some how, I have come to realize that it is alright to make mistakes and learn from them. But this will get challenging for sure. 

I Trust

Sometimes a second lasts longer than eternity.

We take too many things for granted. Yet, what happens if everything was to end, this second? An innocent step forward and the trust built over years is broken.

You trust that the road is good- because you see that it consistent and even. Yet there can be a hole somewhere and you don’t notice it and fall into it.

But then trust can also be recreated- when you see so many people rushing around you- friends and completely strangers and helping you.

Sometimes old trust is reinforced- like how you think  your mother needs to be informed first. Or the knowledge that they are your friends. It doesn’t really matter.

It is nice to know that there is someone who cares about you. Infact there are a lot of people out there who care about- maybe not at the same level, but surely they care enough to find out if you are alright.

All I can say is that, I have friends and family around me, who care enough. And am grateful to all of them. The way I see them will never be the same again- I know I can trust them.

THANK YOU 

The TAP: a biography

I am a tiny tap with a big dam behind it.  I would like to believe that my very presence is a symbol of history having been altered. I see myself as a monument, which stands there to remind anyone who would look  that sometimes even the greatest force in this world has a very small outlet. Some might say, I am being narcissistic, but I’m just a tap, which dare not shed a tear, because what follows after that might be cataclysmic.

I have no clue why I exist. Dams are not meant to have a tap in their walls. Taps are always prone to leak- any second now, I might let a drop out. I have many reasons to cry. As a tap, you want to be turned on. The joy of feeling water rushing through you is so immense that it has to be felt. Yet, I may never feel it. This is a cruel joke-whoever put me here, had a reason way beyond my perception. I think about it at times- I end up thinking that it was done as a joke.

In front of me is a dry river. Behind me, I know there is a lot of water- I can feel the pressure. I want to let it all go. They don’t keep quiet, they keep whispering. They have been through this before. Being held behind a damning wall and waiting to be either sucked up or down by the sun or ground or to be let loose.

I stand at the center of this great wall. The dam has never been opened till date- so I have no clue what will happen when the doors are opened.

Sometimes I feel depressed. But  then there is nothing I can do to show it- I just wait here, a poor tap, being baked in the sun or washed by the occasional rain, waiting to be opened. My days and nights are the same, I stare upon the sand and it stares at me. The sands speak to me sometimes- apparently someone is picking them up and taking them far away.

There is nothing much to do here, so I do what I am supposed to do- wait to be opened. One thing I have learnt though these humans are crazy. They stop the water from flowing, they remove the sands from where they belong and they make things like me and torture us. Why do I even serve them? At times, I wish to let go. But something within, stops me. How ever hard I try- I just cannot do it.

I know not, why you are listening to me. I can see you are a human being. I can be rude to you and you can do nothing about it. If you lose your control and do something to me- you will perish along with me, for what I hold is stronger than you think. But I will not be rude to you or to anyone else, for I am a simple tap.

I have no ego, because there is no other tap around me. I have nothing to compare myself to- I stand here, without any purpose of my own. I do what I do, without knowing why. I have tried to think about it- but then there is only so much a tap can think about.

My only hope is that someday, someone opens me. I want to feel this great energy I possess, flow through me. I want to see it pounce on  the dry grounds and wet the sands and let dreams grow. I maybe destroyed by it, but that no way will be worse than what I am at the moment. At least, I would be of better use that way, than I am now and I would have felt the energy.